Single Woes…

 

Non, Je Ne Regrette Rein (no regrets) – Edith Piaf

Hello everyone, we’re almost at the halfway point of 2017 and I do hope you all are keeping well and not letting the bad bugs and thoughts get you down. At least I ‘m not. FYI it’s a long one!

Few days ago, I was minding my business reading Dr. Seuss’ ‘I don’t like Green Eggs and Ham’ to my mini me for the 500^th time when I got an alert on my cell. My new bff in my head Cornelia O’Dwyer had just uploaded the latest episode of Chic Chat live on Youtube. I love the round table discussion and I often find them thought provoking and hilariously entertaining.

The topic of the week was ‘Living Single in Lagos’ and boy oh boy, the memories came flooding back and I decided to share some of my horror stories with hindsight being what it is possibly, and some of the things I had learned during those times.

I moved back to Lagos after some time in England and I was immediately besieged with the usual calls from friends and family members, ‘Why are you not married?” “Lets meet the young man’, “Why are you still single?’ on and on it went. I had a good job, my health, my own vehicle for all intends and purposes; I was doing quite well for myself. All that was left was finding my knight in shining amour and in my search, I would welcome blind dates and introductions from my loved ones.

I can recall an instance when my dear aunty gave a young professional from Ibadan my number. While I found him pleasant and friendly, I just couldn’t get pass the heavy western accent and the fact that he didn’t seem or appear to be sure of himself. Safe to say we didn’t make it through a second date. I wonder what he’s up to now?

Enters Umar

I met *Umar (not real name) at my aunt’s 40^th birthday shindig and we hit things off. He was nice, charming and very respectful. We went out on a couple of dates; he even bought me some anti –malaria drugs on one occasion that I got ill. I shared with my aunt that I was sort of seeing the guy I had met at her party and she told me that the dude was married with kids. I confronted him about it and after he danced around an appropriate answer, I ceased all correspondence with him. That didn’t stop other married men chatting me up and I begun to feel that maybe there was something in me that made married men attracted to me.

Its not as if the single guys were any better. There were those had no idea what they wanted or were just indulging in some fun before they settled down with their true intended.

Enters Dapo

I met *Dapo through a family friend of mine. They were both doctors and had attended the same university. After a while, I decided to give it a shot and see where things led. We dated for a few months and my feelings for him grew stronger and all of a sudden he stopped answering my phone calls and text messages. This went on for an entire month until I eventually got the message that he wasn’t interested anymore. My girl friend confronted him months after as to why he acted in such a way. According to him he saw that things were getting serious and he found he had nothing to offer at the time so he took the cowards way out and stopped all correspondence.

Mohammed strolls along…

*Mohammed and I were I the same NYSC camp and we got reconnected after a while and started courting. Only for me to find out that he was just like the others and chickened out of the relationship because I didn’t fit the model of an ideal Moslem wife. 

On the surface I appeared to be the same happy go lucky gal despite my relationship pitfalls. I had questions inside, “what was wrong with me?” “ Could it be my fault”?

The constant barrage of best friends and cousins getting married during that period didn’t help and I slowly edged towards into a lonely place. I was happy for my friends, I would gladly buy their aso- ebis or accept to be at their bridal party but I still dreaded going on outings where everyone would be coupled up and I would be by myself.

After a while, I completely stopped attending weddings or any other social function. My cousin still to this day is cross at me because I refused to be at his bridal party but how many people would understand the state of mind that I was in? Only a few did. My older brother, who till this day remains my rock, always encouraged me not to become jaded or cynical and to always engage in activities that made me happy. I threw myself into my job and on my free time would go to the cinema to watch two or three movies in a day. When the opportunities came for me to further my studies and get a Master’s degree I jumped at the chance with the encouragement of my Mom.

It was during this period that my Prince came along and the rest they say is history. I guess this entire write-up is addressed at those who are disillusioned or depressed because it seems the entire world is moving on while they perceive that they are stuck in one place. There is a saying that you might think God is withholding a blessing from you for no reason but it because he is waiting for the right time for you to fully understand and appreciate the blessings when it’s the right time.

Enjoy the time you have now that you are single because believe me marriage is not what its cracked up to be or for the faint hearted. Engage yourself in activities that make you and just you happy. If you have the funds or the time; spoil yourself, go shopping, call your other single friends and organize a girl’s trip or a sleepover.

Most importantly, take the time out to carefully observe and listen to your other married friends and how they deal with the ups and downs in their union because trust and believe those lessons will come in handy when you are going through your own ups and downs..

All in all, enjoy every single day like it’s your last. Life is too short …

 

Don’t judge me!

Hey guys, Its been a minute but I’m back and yes its spring! We are almost at the halfway point of 2017 and if your months have been like mine, then you are in need of some bright and cheerful humor; hence the post of today, it’s another tongue – in – cheek one and I sure hope you guys enjoy it.

I love my plastic cup: I got this plastic cup last year while working at Fedex Express and I must say it was love at first sip. It takes my water and lemon, it takes my juice and most importantly it takes my Moscato and it takes my screwdrivers. And yes, I have water glasses and wine glasses but I just prefer my plastic cup. I look forward to Fridays like everyone else when I can watch Netflix and chill with my ice cold Moscato in my plastic cup. Don’t judge me!

My plastic chalice ….

I look forward to attending outings and want to the leave the second I get there: Yea, this one is complicated. Now, anyone who knows me knows that I am the ultimate couch homebody. I don’t like going out, I don’t particularly relish the outdoors but one in awhile, I get an invite for a wedding or a birthday party and the adrenaline kicks in. I start browsing looks on Pinterest and scroll Instagram in search of makeup inspirations. I practice my makeup looks after watching endless videos on Youtube. I even go as far as having conference calls with my sisters in creating the perfect look and scheduling a baby sister for the little one; that’s if the oga and I would be attending the event. We get to the event and five minutes in, I’m over it and I want to go home but I know better than say a peep to the boss. I guess its just the excitement of leaving the house for an event that fuels me but soon subsides after I attend the event. Don’t judge me!

Leave my tags alone! I don’t like taking off the tags of new items after I buy them especially clothes. Blame my childhood! Every time we got new clothes or toys, my mom would show it to us and keep it till when she decided was the appropriate time to use them. So when I buy a new pair of jeans, I won’t wear them till I have an outing (see above) and I would take off in glee and adorn the garment. My girl Maka curses me out till today because of it and I fear that my Mini me might be picking up on my bad habits. God help me!

I love my jammies! I don’t think there is anyone in the entire world that loves hanging out in her pajamas more than me. They are so comfortable. If I could go to work in my PJ’s I would. If I could attend my fabulous champagne and cupcake parties (in my head) in my pj’s I would do so in a heartbeat. I refuse to part with them, even though I’m noticing a few tears here and there; I have acquired two more sets! Yay!

You promised not to judge

And finally, people say the first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging that you have a problem, so this is me acknowledging.

Hello, my name is Toyosi and I am a makeup and human hair addict! Nothing feels me with such glee as getting an alert from Sephora or Ulta about a new product or a sales event. I can’t begin to count how many red lipsticks I have, sometimes two or three of the same kind from the same brand, not to count the number of foundations, brushes etc.

Some of my babies…..

It has gotten so bad, that I virtually hide the shopping bags underneath the bin so my other half won’t see it and say ‘You went makeup shopping again, how many lipsticks do you need woman?”I can already hear you say, oh but makeup is to enhance! I scream bloody murder!

Now I am one of those females who DOES NOT PLAY WITH HER BUNDLES. From my Bone straight Malaysian hair, to my body wave Peruvian in every length you could think of, i will straight up cut a b*** if you come between my extensions and I. To all those on team natural, I am super happy for you but to each his own.  I am the first in line to order some new bundles from theVanitybox hair the second they have a promotion and I track my shipments like a hawk to ensure my delivery dates don’t occur when the oga would be home.

With this habit, I think I need to stop or curb my excesses. So help me but don’t judge me!

When is it time to cut your losses?

Hey guys I have a conundrum and I need your insight. They do say a problem shared is a problem halved so here goes. 

A good friend of mine for some years now  (lets call her Tomi) has been dating a guy for a few years now. On the surface they appear like the perfect couple, both are intelligent from good homes and with good jobs and a walk down the aisle seem inevitable at this point since they both love and are committed to each other. However, the other day she confided in me that her bae has a short fuse. 

The first incident she narrated took place during the early days of their courtship. They were having an argument over her not informing him about a scheduled office retreat and according to her, he got so furious that he punched a hole in the wall. In her words,’ He was so angry with her and she didn’t know what to do but grab her purse and keys and make bee line for the door’. The next day they meet up and he acts like noting ever happened. She was too stunned to say anything and lets the incident slide. 

Things progress swimmingly for the next couple of months. Arguments are few and far between but when they do, she notices he throws things such has he keys, a bottle of water or anything he can get his hands on. He has not put his hands on her but she does notice that he has a bad temper. She recounted an incident when he got furious with his driver for not getting to work on time and slapping him several times. Or another time when a couple swerved into his lane on the highway and he tailed them all their way to their destination, swerves right in front of them at the beginning of the street bringing their vehicle to a screeching halt, jumps out of the car and grabs their keys from the ignition and proceeds to scream profanities at the couple. It takes me and some on lookers hours to calm him down. She was so embarrassed she said she wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

Last night she calls me in tears. She got a call from his ex who shares with her that it would be in her interest to break things off with him. she recounts an incident when they were taking a road trip out of town and they get into an argument and he begins to shout at her, she tells him to calm down which only further infuriates him. ‘I’m calm! Who are you to tell me to calm down! And if you say that one more time you’ll leave to regret it!’ and of course this stuns her but then something tells her to fight back. ‘Don’t ever in your life ever threaten to hit him again! What did I say that was so bad? I dare you to put your hands on me, I double dare you!” Swerves the car to the side of the road, steps out, comes to the passenger side of the car open it and stares at her right in the face saying’ Just who the hell do you think you are talking to?!’ “Oh you think I can’t hit you? Tell me to calm down one more time!” They stare at each other in silence but she holds his stare until he returns to his side of the car and continues driving and they get to her parents place without a word and without incident.

Tomi is so confused she has no clue of how to proceed and I don’t know how to counsel her.Her Mom’s constantly telling her age isn’t on her side and all her siblings are married. He has mentioned bringing his folks to meet her folks and if that wasn’t enough, Tomi tells me that her monthly flow is three weeks late.

HELP………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love is in the air

Photo Credit: ClipartFest

Valentine’s Day is so overrated……..

It’s about that time again people. That time when the streets are painted in red, hearts are filled with ‘love’ and bank accounts are emptied. It’s about that time when your supposed significant other is all of a sudden nowhere to be seen. It’s Valentine’s Day boys and girls, hurray!

In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m not much of Valentine’s Day fan. Please don’t get me wrong; I enjoy the adulation from my significant other on that day. I enjoy smelling the roses, opening my boxes of chocolates and oohing and ahhing as I peruse my cards, but something about that day just feels off.

If I’m truly honest, I think the novelty wore off for me in high school when I believe I was about 15 years old after my crush at the time gave away the gifts I had given him. Being the butt of all the jokes for the entire term wasn’t exactly my idea of fun.

Coupled with the fact that it’s all a big financial holiday; the same thing with Christmas. We are obliged to go buy gifts for our loved ones; we are supposed to get the most romantic gift ever; we are supposed to give out our hard earned pesos to restaurants and hotels to make the night ‘epic’; the expectation to pop the question is heightened to fever pitch proportions.

Or wait for this one, you spend hours, weeks and even months planning the most romantic evening with your guy. You get the Japanese cherry blossom or vanilla scented candles ready, the 100 dollars gift card from Victoria Secrets you got for Christmas would surely be handy, and your mom or babysitter has agreed to watch the babies (at a cost of course) and finally the house to yourselves again just like in the early days. Being that it’s a weekday and you have decided to just exchange gifts, have dinner and go to bed.

However, by the time you make your way into the bedroom, with a walk that would put Naomi Campbell to shame, dressed in the most provocative teddy Victoria Secret can offer and with skin glistening with vanilla body oil; you get a shocker!

You are greeted with the sound of snoring emanating from your baby daddy. In his sleep, he is having dreams about working on his new Triumph motorcycle or the new Xbox so waking him is a foregone conclusion. The thought of throwing a bowl of cold water on him or hitting him with a pillow filled with pebbles crosses your mind but you remember that you’re a child of God now so you go off to bed, but hey it’s Val’s day!

I guess what I am trying to say here is, why does it take a ‘special’ day for us to show our love and affection to our significant others? Can’t we do that every day or when we feel like it? Why stress ourselves on end trying to come up with the most jaw-dropping gift? And why for the life of me, do we as females start looking for dates just because we don’t want to be alone on Valentine’s Day?

Look, if you find yourself single by the 1st of February, take it from one who knows, Prince Charming aka Tom Brady or Idris Elba isn’t going to come knocking on your door roses in tow. Why not treat yourself to a spa day, a bunch of roses and a trip to Sephora. Your boo is on his way trust me, just give it time. And to those with significant others, don’t kill yourself on a quest to either impress your partner or try to buy his or affections with gifts and troves.

Don’t let a day go by without sharing with the ones you care about just how much they mean to you, either through words or gifts. Don’t sit with hand on your jaw twiddling your fingers and waiting for Saint Valentine’s Day to make your loved one(s) feel special.

It’s all about you boo!

Photo Credit : MyMelninRocks

 

Happy New Year! We did it! Here’s wishing all of you a year filled with success, happiness and lots and lots of laughter by the grace of the Almighty.

Now, that’s out of our system on to the topic of today.

I was scrolling through my social media time line at the end of last year and blogs were awash with tales from the latest celebrity divorce. Atlanta rapper TI and his wife of five years, Rnb Singer Tiny were divorcing. Now, as much as I do not wish divorce on anyone, we all know that marriages end all the time. However, what spiked my interest were the tales of the alleged avenues Tiny had taken to keep her marriage.

From going under the knife (liposuctions, changing her eye color to blue), inviting partners into their bedroom to spice up their sex life and even going as far as allegedly having another baby. I am not one to judge anyone’s choices to try and save their marriage or to keep a partner but I had to ask myself just how far would I go to keep someone.

Despite all her efforts, Tiny still found herself in the midst of alleged tales of TI’s infidelity. And I’m sure at this point everyone has read the Toke Makinwa memoir of how she described bleaching her skin under the understanding that her ex-husband had a preference for light skinned damsels in the hope of keeping him. I am pretty sure people are sick and tired of discussing the whole team dark skin versus team light skin, bleaching and all it encompasses including me. But do the partners get it? Do they understand the extent that many go to save their relationships?

The answer is confusing and pretty vague. Your husband or boyfriend tells you he doesn’t want you wearing makeup or getting weaves done and the next thing, you uncover him having an affair with someone who embodies the exact thing he tells you not to do; face beat to the gods with 20 to 24 inches Eurasian weaves. He tells you he detests girls with fake body parts but you find him or her scrolling through pictures of human Barbie’s on Instagram and even sliding to their DM’s. One can never fully understand why one cheats and the answers you might receive are usually contradictory or even more confusing.

I guess what I’m trying to understand is how and why we as women especially, put these pressure on ourselves. We constantly kill ourselves trying to achieve some sort of perfection all in a bid to keep something or someone who doesn’t want to be kept. We starve ourselves; sorry we diet to stay skinny or get skinny to look fabulous, we get our boobs blown up or shrunk down to make big daddy happy. We buy buckets of Makari and Goat’s Milk to give Beyoncé and Kim K a run for their money all in the hope of ensuring the success of our relationship at the cost of our souls.

I blame society. We have allowed our society to place unrealistic expectations of women on us and I for one I’m done with it. Don’t kill yourself trying to achieve some idea of perfection in the hope of keeping your partner from cheating, unless by the grace of God, he or she is going to do that regardless and all your efforts will be for nothing.

If you feel the need to get your hair done, do it because you want to. If you want to lose weight in order to be healthy by all means have at it and if you feel the need to for a little nip and tuck and you have the funds for it, yeah go ahead. I’m just saying be sure of your own intentions and don’t let anyone dictate the terms of your joy. ‘

To thine own self be true’

Hamlet

Act-1, Scene-III William Shakespeare

We click on autopilot…

Photo Credit: 123RF.com

 

Guess who’s back!!! Yes yes, I know. I have been so bad, I haven’t been updating my posts as I used to and for that, I apologize. 2016 has been quite the year, hasn’t it? But let’s just hope and pray that 2017 will be a tad better than this year, God willing.

To the topic of today, I was browsing through my social media timeline after I put the baby to bed and I noticed the usual topics were trending; Trump, Kanye West, Toke Makinwa etc and it suddenly dawned on me; why do we find these stories so fascinating? What is it about these stories that peak our interest that we have to click on these topics, read and draft out eulogies in the comments section?

As someone who was a media professional for a number of years and has a degree in journalism; I’m sure you may agree with me that some of these antics are either for attention or as subjects of distraction. But why must we the public act like gullible hungry people and eat it up?

A quote from one of the tutors seem to answer that question; ‘If it bleeds, it leads.’ Maybe he was right. Bad news always sells. Ain’t nobody got time for a good story and if we do hear one, there is a piece of us looking for the negative angle. If by chance a story or article or hashtag pops up discounting the previous “good” narrative we would be screaming; ‘I told you so’ ‘I knew it was too good to be true’ to ourselves.

Take the most recent examples: Kanye West pays a visit to Trump tower to go visit President Elect Trump and people lose it. I mean literally lose it, blog posts are spurting up, articles are being written, and debates are taken place. Apart from the people who were at the meeting, nobody actually knows what was being said or discussed. Both parties stated that it was to discuss multiculturalism, the situation in Chicago etc but that’s not the point, it is a well-known fact that these two men crave attention like kids who love candy and the constant barrage of focus on those two hours they spent together seems to be like we are feeding into this machine of celebrity and an alternate reality. We know it’s a distraction, we know that these men just wanted to be blogged about and talked about, even I am doing it by mentioning it right now but we still can not look away.

Two weeks ago, Nigerian TV darling Toke Makinwa released her tell-all memoir and my Naija people, both home and abroad were clutching their invisible pearls. Twitter was ablaze with Toke this and Toke that. That’s not to take anything from her, I have read the book and I think it’s a must read for every female, young and old because I am of the belief that we can learn lessons from others.

But that’s not the point, what amazed me was how everyone suddenly morphed in marriage counselors and relationship experts. What got me were the comments and how people were drafting their own narrative on the issue, whether true or false.

The point I am trying to make is that the world has gone cray cray! And just because something or someone has done something that makes us scratch our heads we owe it to ourselves to stop that clock and think like rational humans. Why must we take the bait all the time when these stories pop up on our timeline and scream bloody murder! I would suggest the next time any of those stories pop up, ask yourselves who benefits from the click. If you find yourself getting emotionally riled up, it’s not worth the aggravation and keep scrolling till you find the next cat video or another adorable video of a baby laughing.

Happy Holydays!!!

It’s my party and I can cry if I want to

Happy Buffday to meeee!

 

I turn a year older today and boy oh boy am I glad. Over the years, I have faced aging with much trepidation but since I embarked on a journey of self-discovery some time ago, I must say that it doesn’t faze me as much.

I look back on my teens and when I was in my twenties and yes, I made tons of mistakes; i.e. aiming for the perfect job (or one that appears perfect), engaging in aimless tasks such as fighting with my brothers or sisters or friends, dating the wrong guys but as cliché as it seems, I wouldn’t change a thing because as we grow older we evolve into better versions of ourselves (If we let it happen anyway).

I have lost jobs that I have felt were right for me at the time but turned out weren’t the best for me in the long run. Jobs that I have stayed at for long periods are the ones that I learn skills that have shaped my foundation. Over time, I’ve learned how to relate to different people from various works of life, being flexible enough to adapt to various scenarios and most especially establishing strong bonds with people I have come to respect and still hold dear until today as well as a steady stream of mentors. Despite my setback, I am still able to appreciate that there are no limits to my professional accomplishments.

Anyone with siblings, girl siblings at that will tell you that fiction in the household is pretty prevalent. I grew up with sisters and we are all close in age so there were tons of conflicts in our house. Now, I look back and realize that those times that we screamed at each other over clothes or shoes sometimes even guys, those times that we stopped talking to each other only helped to bring us much closer as we grew up into mothers and wives. I can happily say that my sisters are my best friends and I wouldn’t trade them in for all the tea in China or all the designer shoes in Neiman Marcus.

Over the years, I have come to appreciate the true value of friendship. Many of my friends I have known for over 20 years and while I have lost some along the way, I appreciate their imprint in my life and I hope I have made a positive impact in theirs.

I had my share of frogs! But I am glad I did because when God sent me my prince I was fully able to appreciate my blessing. Yes we nudge heads from time to time but which couple doesn’t. Through the examples set by my Moms, Aunties, and various older cousins, I have come to fully understand that marriage, while it is not for everyone, isn’t supposed to easy. I equate it to a rose garden which you must tend to reap the benefits. No one and I say no one has a perfect marriage. Despite our individual faults, I can say that we both work tirelessly to become better versions of ourselves for each other.

If there is a blessing that I am truly grateful for, it is my little tyrant, sorry princess. Having and rearing a child isn’t easy and I am constantly in awe of our mothers, how in the world did they do it? She is a constant source of amazement and joy to everyone she comes in contact with and I hope and I pray that I can do half as much as my mother did. If there is any good I have I done in this world, it is to be the Mom of this amazing little rug rat.

Not to appear preachy, but I cannot say thanks enough to God. He has seen me through some dark periods and many amazing ones. I have learned to fully understand what it means to submit to His will because He surely knows what’s best and He is always there guiding my steps.

As as I turn 36, yes 36; I am truly grateful and blessed and ready and excited to face the next 36 with an open heart and a smile with a glass of bubbly.

Here’s to me …….

Where to draw the line

As a mother of an adorable, boisterous two year old diva, I find myself in a constant state of organized chaos. Why you may ask? Allow me to explain. As many parents of toddlers can testify …

Source: Where to draw the line

Where to draw the line

 

My little diva and her partner in crime!

As a mother of an adorable, boisterous two year old diva, I find myself in a constant state of organized chaos. Why you may ask?

Allow me to explain. As many parents of toddlers can testify to, you haven’t truly faced the challenges of parenting until you have a two or three year old. It’s as though they are on a different wave length. Maybe because they are now more aware of their surroundings and are on this journey to explore and investigate the world around them; and test their limitations as well as push your buttons in the process.

How else can you explain, you adamantly telling a two year old, do not jump on the bed, do not touch that thing, go seat down and they do the exact opposite. The other day, I overheard our little one arguing (it sure sounded like arguing) with her Daddy about what she wanted to watch on the television. It’s the NBA eastern and western conference finals and he wanted to watch Steph Curry play while she wanted to watch Bubble Guppies and so the argument ensued. Now bear in mind that her speech isn’t all that clear yet, so in the middle of Daddy, NO, Bubble Guppies, you might hear a lot of baby jibbersh. I take a peak from the hall way and I see both of them staring at each other with a stern look on both of their faces. Since she takes after him in looks and disposition, it’s quite a funny sight to behold.

Our weekdays are somewhat regimented; being that we have (or we try to be) out of the house at 7.30am to get to work early while in the evenings  a quick bath, supper, play time then straight to bed. At least that’s how it’s supposed to go, (in my head).

Most of the time in the evenings, I have to negotiate with her to get ready for her bath; ‘Do you want a cookie?’ she nods ‘Ok, so if you want a cookie, you have to let mommy give you a bath darling’. She screams no and off she goes running through the hallway with her doggie to go jump on my bed once again and I think to myself, when did this become my life?  Talk about the terrible twos

Most of us can remember what growing up was like. We didn’t question, we didn’t debate with our parents especially our mothers who ran the house. Whatever she said was the law and you dare not say or do anything contrary. Who are you to question the law of the land? Now don’t get me wrong, I tested my limit several times but I was often reminded who ran the show. I remember one of my birthdays and I got a cake to take to school the next day. I got up at several times in the night to take pieces of it. The look on my mom’s face the next morning was priceless, apart from getting a whopping (which I deserved) I took the cake to school like that, missing pieces and all. Lesson learned but in my defense, it was my cake after all, why couldn’t I eat it?

I can remember the ‘look’ my mom gave us when we were doing something we shouldn’t be doing; show of hands to anyone who remembers that look. Now I give my daughter the look and she ignores me and continues jumping on my bed screaming in glee. While our parents saw no harm in picking up a switch, a belt, a wire, bamboo sticks to remind us of who was boss, I find myself questioning the effectiveness of those methods. Yes, we learned our lessons and swore never to misbehave again but I feel they only instilled a deep sense of fear in us.

I can remember being so afraid of my parents especially my mom for years and I’m sure that wasn’t her intention but I find myself shuddering when I think of those times she picked up the ‘omorungo’ (eba stick) when  I got out of line.  And I don’t want my daughter to have similar feelings.

At this juncture, I’m torn on how to instill discipline in her;  while still wanting her to be confident, and a lovable adorable little girl. I also want her to understand that certain behaviors cannot and will not be tolerated. For now the two minute time outs seem to be working but for how long?

My husband keeps saying; Talk to her, make her understand ‘she listens but I know that it won’t last because the older she gets the more she begins to understand that she can test her limits.

I’m open to suggestions……

It’s not you, it’s me!

Photo Credit : Pinterest

 

Hey guys

It’s been a minute I know but I’m back now and set to get the ball rolling on a topic that has been dancing around my head for days now.

Unless you have been living under a rock, I’m sure most of have heard about the whole hoopla concerning Beyoncé’s latest creative offering titled ‘Lemonade.’ Now, while I admit I haven’t watched the entire visual album or heard some of the tracks with exception of ‘Formation’ (which is my self-rallying cry to get on the treadmill to run my miles at the gym), I have read enough opinion pieces, blogs, watched vlogs and screened through twitter timelines to get the gist of the entire album. I’m not a card carrying member of the beyhive but from what I have read, the album seems to be pretty good but what piqued my interest and that of many others, was the theme of infidelity which featured quite heavily on the album.

I rolled my eyes time and time when I read stories about how fashion designer Rachel Roy and others was attacked by Beyoncé’s fans for being the alleged mistress of Jay Z which Queen Bey kept referencing in her songs and I wondered why Jay Z wasn’t getting any of the backlash. Now why is that?

Why is it that when one partner (usually the man) steps out of a monogamous relationship setting, it’s the other woman who gets the wrath? I was told by an elder once that while men have little or no self-control and he will cheat regardless, we as women have the control to say no to the advances. And I must say that bothers me. Why are we so quick to give men a pass and label them and place all the responsibility and blame on the woman? These are questions that I have and no one has been able to provide me with a valid enough reason. We are quick to say; “it’s not in our culture for a woman to have affairs or date more than one man” but it’s perfectly within our ‘culture for a man to date multiple women and engage in polygamy. I’m not going to get into the religious angle or the whole feminist, slut shaming angle because that’s a whole other story.

What I would like to understand is how we as women internalize the issue of infidelity. Not to generalize, but I’m sure almost every female or male reading this has dealt with infidelity at some point. It could be our dads being unfaithful to our mothers, our boyfriends, or girlfriends and most times, our husbands have stepped out either once or several times. Then we go through the motions, denial, anger then acceptance. In denial/anger phase we start to question ourselves, why did he cheat? Was I not enough? Maybe if I didn’t nag so much, maybe if I had slept with him or maybe if I had slept with him more? Maybe If I had lost weight when he asked me to; the list goes on. Where does the notion that all men cheat come from? I would say, probably from young girls growing up with an unfaithful father.

Pictures of rap star Lil Kim surfaced this week and many were taken aback at her light almost white skin tone. While many were shocked at her sudden appearance, past articles were referenced where she expressed dismay due to low self-esteem especially when the men in her past relationships cheated on with ladies of the lighter persuasion.

Here’s the thing, and if I sound like I am contradicting myself I apologize. While I understand the occasional nip and tuck here and there, I cannot stand by someone doing surgery to keep a man. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will still cheat. Halle Berry anyone? No man is worth you altering your appearance to please. I spoke about this in one of my past blogs. https://toyamochabam.wordpress.com/2016/03/04/beneath-the-color-of-your-skin/

If he doesn’t like you as you are, then he is not worth having.

While I think it is a very sensitive topic, it is also quite subjective because no one knows how you would act until you are in that position. Dating is one thing but marriage is another. While it might be easy to kiss goodbye to a 5 month relationship with a guy, licking your wounds and moving on to the next; being married for 5 or 6 years with 2 or 3 kids under your belt is nothing to just throw away because he stepped out on his vows.

We have all heard stories from our elders, instructing some to stay in marriages or relationships despite physical/emotional abuse or infidelity, I have come to understand that today’s generation view things very differently. Hence the high volume of failed marriages since the turn of millennium. Women today have less tolerance for BS than our Mothers or Aunties. While I wont subscribe one broad set solution for infidelity such as divorce, I would say self reflection and constant spiritual guidance has always being a steady source or strength for me.

Ladies, in my little time being around, one thing I have come to understand is what doesn’t kill you empowers you. If he cheats, that’s a reflection on his weakness as a man not you as a woman because we are so much more. We are mothers, king makers and king breeders, it is called Mother Earth for a reason. Empower yourself, pray and focus on raising children who do not believe that cheating is acceptable. After all its them, not you!

I am so perfect. So divine .So ethereal. So surreal . I cannot be comprehended except by my permission

Ego-Tripping

by

Nikki Giovanni

Photo Credit – Pinterest