Photo Credit : Pinterest


Hey guys

It’s been a minute I know but I’m back now and set to get the ball rolling on a topic that has been dancing around my head for days now.

Unless you have been living under a rock, I’m sure most of have heard about the whole hoopla concerning Beyoncé’s latest creative offering titled ‘Lemonade.’ Now, while I admit I haven’t watched the entire visual album or heard some of the tracks with exception of ‘Formation’ (which is my self-rallying cry to get on the treadmill to run my miles at the gym), I have read enough opinion pieces, blogs, watched vlogs and screened through twitter timelines to get the gist of the entire album. I’m not a card carrying member of the beyhive but from what I have read, the album seems to be pretty good but what piqued my interest and that of many others, was the theme of infidelity which featured quite heavily on the album.

I rolled my eyes time and time when I read stories about how fashion designer Rachel Roy and others was attacked by Beyoncé’s fans for being the alleged mistress of Jay Z which Queen Bey kept referencing in her songs and I wondered why Jay Z wasn’t getting any of the backlash. Now why is that?

Why is it that when one partner (usually the man) steps out of a monogamous relationship setting, it’s the other woman who gets the wrath? I was told by an elder once that while men have little or no self-control and he will cheat regardless, we as women have the control to say no to the advances. And I must say that bothers me. Why are we so quick to give men a pass and label them and place all the responsibility and blame on the woman? These are questions that I have and no one has been able to provide me with a valid enough reason. We are quick to say; “it’s not in our culture for a woman to have affairs or date more than one man” but it’s perfectly within our ‘culture for a man to date multiple women and engage in polygamy. I’m not going to get into the religious angle or the whole feminist, slut shaming angle because that’s a whole other story.

What I would like to understand is how we as women internalize the issue of infidelity. Not to generalize, but I’m sure almost every female or male reading this has dealt with infidelity at some point. It could be our dads being unfaithful to our mothers, our boyfriends, or girlfriends and most times, our husbands have stepped out either once or several times. Then we go through the motions, denial, anger then acceptance. In denial/anger phase we start to question ourselves, why did he cheat? Was I not enough? Maybe if I didn’t nag so much, maybe if I had slept with him or maybe if I had slept with him more? Maybe If I had lost weight when he asked me to; the list goes on. Where does the notion that all men cheat come from? I would say, probably from young girls growing up with an unfaithful father.

Pictures of rap star Lil Kim surfaced this week and many were taken aback at her light almost white skin tone. While many were shocked at her sudden appearance, past articles were referenced where she expressed dismay due to low self-esteem especially when the men in her past relationships cheated on with ladies of the lighter persuasion.

Here’s the thing, and if I sound like I am contradicting myself I apologize. While I understand the occasional nip and tuck here and there, I cannot stand by someone doing surgery to keep a man. You can be the most beautiful woman in the world and he will still cheat. Halle Berry anyone? No man is worth you altering your appearance to please. I spoke about this in one of my past blogs. https://toyamochabam.wordpress.com/2016/03/04/beneath-the-color-of-your-skin/

If he doesn’t like you as you are, then he is not worth having.

While I think it is a very sensitive topic, it is also quite subjective because no one knows how you would act until you are in that position. Dating is one thing but marriage is another. While it might be easy to kiss goodbye to a 5 month relationship with a guy, licking your wounds and moving on to the next; being married for 5 or 6 years with 2 or 3 kids under your belt is nothing to just throw away because he stepped out on his vows.

We have all heard stories from our elders, instructing some to stay in marriages or relationships despite physical/emotional abuse or infidelity, I have come to understand that today’s generation view things very differently. Hence the high volume of failed marriages since the turn of millennium. Women today have less tolerance for BS than our Mothers or Aunties. While I wont subscribe one broad set solution for infidelity such as divorce, I would say self reflection and constant spiritual guidance has always being a steady source or strength for me.

Ladies, in my little time being around, one thing I have come to understand is what doesn’t kill you empowers you. If he cheats, that’s a reflection on his weakness as a man not you as a woman because we are so much more. We are mothers, king makers and king breeders, it is called Mother Earth for a reason. Empower yourself, pray and focus on raising children who do not believe that cheating is acceptable. After all its them, not you!

I am so perfect. So divine .So ethereal. So surreal . I cannot be comprehended except by my permission



Nikki Giovanni

Photo Credit – Pinterest


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