Hey guys I have a conundrum and I need your insight. They do say a problem shared is a problem halved so here goes. 

A good friend of mine for some years now  (lets call her Tomi) has been dating a guy for a few years now. On the surface they appear like the perfect couple, both are intelligent from good homes and with good jobs and a walk down the aisle seem inevitable at this point since they both love and are committed to each other. However, the other day she confided in me that her bae has a short fuse. 

The first incident she narrated took place during the early days of their courtship. They were having an argument over her not informing him about a scheduled office retreat and according to her, he got so furious that he punched a hole in the wall. In her words,’ He was so angry with her and she didn’t know what to do but grab her purse and keys and make bee line for the door’. The next day they meet up and he acts like noting ever happened. She was too stunned to say anything and lets the incident slide. 

Things progress swimmingly for the next couple of months. Arguments are few and far between but when they do, she notices he throws things such has he keys, a bottle of water or anything he can get his hands on. He has not put his hands on her but she does notice that he has a bad temper. She recounted an incident when he got furious with his driver for not getting to work on time and slapping him several times. Or another time when a couple swerved into his lane on the highway and he tailed them all their way to their destination, swerves right in front of them at the beginning of the street bringing their vehicle to a screeching halt, jumps out of the car and grabs their keys from the ignition and proceeds to scream profanities at the couple. It takes me and some on lookers hours to calm him down. She was so embarrassed she said she wished the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

Last night she calls me in tears. She got a call from his ex who shares with her that it would be in her interest to break things off with him. she recounts an incident when they were taking a road trip out of town and they get into an argument and he begins to shout at her, she tells him to calm down which only further infuriates him. ‘I’m calm! Who are you to tell me to calm down! And if you say that one more time you’ll leave to regret it!’ and of course this stuns her but then something tells her to fight back. ‘Don’t ever in your life ever threaten to hit him again! What did I say that was so bad? I dare you to put your hands on me, I double dare you!” Swerves the car to the side of the road, steps out, comes to the passenger side of the car open it and stares at her right in the face saying’ Just who the hell do you think you are talking to?!’ “Oh you think I can’t hit you? Tell me to calm down one more time!” They stare at each other in silence but she holds his stare until he returns to his side of the car and continues driving and they get to her parents place without a word and without incident.

Tomi is so confused she has no clue of how to proceed and I don’t know how to counsel her.Her Mom’s constantly telling her age isn’t on her side and all her siblings are married. He has mentioned bringing his folks to meet her folks and if that wasn’t enough, Tomi tells me that her monthly flow is three weeks late.

HELP………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “When is it time to cut your losses?

  1. I must say… Your articles are very realistic and extremely well written. Keep up with the great work.
    To the matter at hand. The best trait/characteristic to have is to be honest and invariably it’s starts being honest with yourself.
    If your partner is abusing you – Psychologically or Physically, you either stay or leave. Either choice has its consequences, the pertinent question is – are you prepared to take responsibility?
    If you stay and the abuse worsens then you only have yourself to blame. It really isn’t his/her fault anymore. You saw the signs- you either made excuses for him/her OR you ignored them. Either way. You were not honest with yourself. If you stay knowing full well that he/she is ticking time bomb and you choose to work with him through the disorder then you’ve made a very noble, selfless decision. If it’s successful then GREAT, if it’s not, then keep it moving but accept responsibility. It was your choice to stay.
    If you leave, then you leave to live (literally) and love another day. Your heart might be broken but at least it’s not your bones being broken as well as your heart. Your heart will heal, you will love again. It might not as exhilarating, exciting or intense as your first choice but at least you will be safe, sound and respected by the person you are supposed to be most vulnerable to and who knows the next person might be more exciting!
    You always have a choice. Make the choice and accept responsibility. I hope to God it’s the right choice!

    Like

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